Here’s the bottom line. I want to go home. I want out. I want to become a bartender in Barrow Alaska. I want 6 months of darkness and 6 months of light and freezing cold most of the time.
I want to own a bookstore in the mountains, maybe in Southern California. I want to sell new and used books with a large selection of Science Fiction and Fantasy.
I want to stay at home and write books and movies. And read books and watch movies. And never leave the house again.
I want to get a job as a file clerk where I do nothing all day long but put invoices into numeric or alphabetic order. I want to work 15 hours a day at 7$ per hour. And I want the work to be neverending. And mindnumbingly dull.
I want to be a college professor and teach future generations, and be an expert in what I teach. I’d like to have some success in my field to give me credibility and to back up what I am teaching in the class. I want to have experience, but experience in the PAST – I don’t want to live through any more experience right now. I’m done with that crap.
I want to take long solitary walks in the woods, in the mountains.
I want to make a movie.
I want to do some acting.
I want to eat an entire cake and not gain any weight.
I want to lose weight.
I want to work out more. I want to want to work out more.
I want to be left the hell alone. Oh God, I want to be left the hell alone.
I want to be out of debt.
I want to be an astronaut. I want to go to the Moon and Mars. I want to be put on a space craft and head out of the solar system and never look back.
I want to be successful.
I want to do something important. I want to be consumed by that work so I can feel like I have a reason for living and yet can avoid actual life.
I would like to win an argument, just once.
I would like to be listened to, but I don’t want comments on this blog.
I would like to make sense. I would like to think clearly for a little while.
I would like endless amounts of money.
I’d like to get rid of all of my material possessions and shed myself of all relationships and become homeless.
I’d like a better wardrobe. I’d like someone else to pick it out for me, but I’d like it to be clothes I want to wear; that make me stand out as fashionable, and yet help me blend into the crowd. And it would be great if the clothes fit.
I’d like to sew more. I’d like to enter something in a state fair and win.
I’d like to master something. Anything. I’d like people to want to ask me for advice because I am able to give it to them in clear, correct and concise way.
I’d like to join the military.
I’d like to travel. Travel to places of historical interest so I can learn something. Also want to lie on the beach.
I’d like to stay home. I’d like to go home. I’d like to have a home.
I wish people would fuck off.
I wish I had some friends.
I wish I could make up my mind.